It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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