if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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