I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
