just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
