Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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