So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
