I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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