I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
