I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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