He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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