My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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