I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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