I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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