Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
