Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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