God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
