I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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