I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize