dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We had sex on a dog bed..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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