Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
