I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
