woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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