I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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