first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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