My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Randomize
