Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
