Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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