i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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