He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
