I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
