just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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