I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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