He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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