dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize