I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
In America we eat man semen.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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