Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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