GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
