He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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