The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
