A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
