Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
