You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
