My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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