Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
