Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
