Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
