New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
