Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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