Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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