Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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