Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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