mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
