I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
