How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
