I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just forgot I was standing up.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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