Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just forgot I was standing up.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
