how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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