she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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