The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize