One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize