Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Randomize
