Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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