saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Randomize
