I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
