I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My dick has a subreddit
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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