when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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