i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
