SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
