tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize