Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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