nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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