don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
