In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
