The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
