He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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