he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
